This is the memo Marissa Mayer meant to send Yahoo employees

This is the memo Marissa Mayer meant to send Yahoo employees

Editor’s note: We have obtained what appears to be an early draft of a memo allegedly written by Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer. It was found last night on an abandoned thumb drive in the parking lot of a Pollos Hermanos restaurant, shortly after the 2-for-1 margarita happy hour. Though we cannot vouch for its authenticity, we present it for your consideration:

Beloved Yahoos:

As you’ve probably read on the Internet by now, Yahoo has finalized a deal to transfer its operating business to Verizon Communications. This is a great day for all who wear the purple, not just those of us who stand to take home hundreds of millions of dollars with this transaction.

Yahoo is a company that changed the world. Before Yahoo, the Internet was just a bunch of nerds eating chimichangas while playing Magic: The Gathering in their mom’s basement. Yahoo brought the Internet to everyone, including people who probably should not be allowed anywhere near a keyboard.

I am extremely proud of all we accomplished in the 4 years, 9 days, 8 hours, and 27 minutes I have served as CEO. As we embark upon a new adventure as Verizonauts, I’d like to reflect on our journey to date.

Over the last four years we:

* Acquired Tumblr and maintained its position as one of the most tastefully curated collections of GIF pornography on the Web.

* Proudly maintained Yahoo’s position in the Guinness Book of World Records for the World’s Largest Yodel.

* Served as the launch pad for hundreds of new startups, many of them operating under Yahoo’s own roof while their founders drew a much-needed regular paycheck.

* Launched a groundbreaking series of cold and hot luncheon options.

* Acqui-hired top talent from hundreds of startups that no one outside their own walls had ever heard of, briefly rescuing them from obscurity before sending them back again.

* Created billions of dollars of new value, mostly in the form of restricted stock units for executives who were acqui-hired and are no longer with the company.

* Helped to add such colorful terms as “resting and vesting,” “snackin’ and slackin,” and “twerkin’ not workin’’’ to our industry’s vernacular.

* Created one of the industry’s first sites devoted exclusively to eSports, causing tens of thousands of people to say, “What the f**k is eSports?”

* Initiated a much needed overhaul of the Nautilus equipment in the corporate workout center (slated to be completed in December 2018).

* Burning Love, Sin City Saints, and Other Space FTW!!!

* Achieved unparalleled levels of corporate opacity with our vaunted FYI weekly speaking series; by the end, even I couldn’t understand what anyone was talking about.

* Single-handedly kept Kim, Kanye, Kourtney, Khloe, Kris, Kylie, Kendall, Korky, and (K)aitlyn at the front of America’s Konsciousness.

* Continued to pioneer the use of pointless punctuation in company logos.

Of course, there is still much work to be done managing the transition of Yahoo’s vast content holdings to its new Verizon masters. To help smooth the transition I have appointed a special team composed of Level 1 executives who have not yet cashed out their stock options and assigned them the inevitable horsey acronym.

Our team of CRAVENS will be available 24/7 to not answer your questions and ignore your concerns. For their extraordinary efforts they will receive a healthy retention bonus consisting of thousands of shares of Alibaba stock and their body weight in Kind bars, for as long as supplies last.

I will always bleed purple.

MM